On Sitting in the Muck...

Update as of May 11th... I hopped on here to write and saw that I didn't post one of the most important blog posts I've written to date: "Sitting in the Muck"...Sure enough, the fog is lifting, and the sun is shining a little and drying up some muck...I'm taking steps in a new direction; there are some mucky footprints as I walk but they remind me that like anything, everything is always changing. So in the vein of vulnerability and realness, please read. This last many months of muck sitting has taught me so many valuable, vital lessons. Please stay tuned for those lessons and other times life has me sitting for a while!

So it's April...and sure enough, I've somehow disconnected from what matters to me and feeds my soul; writing. So I thought "Hm, how do I write about wellness and what keeps me afloat when I haven't felt well and I haven't been floating?" I've sat with this for a few weeks now...All I've come up with is, "Go with it and write. Reach out and say it how it is". So here goes it:

I've been sitting in the muck...well, more recently that is. Prior to this, I have been battling the muck; really trying hard to wash it all off, climb away from it, throw it at other people. I've even tried to eat it (figuratively, of course) but this only made things feel worse. No matter how hard I've been trying, the muck has been making itself known.

I've been fighting the muck so hard that finally, I've mostly peacefully succumbed to sitting in it very recently. And it's hard; and it's uncomfortable; and it's counter-intuitive and odd.

My instincts have always been to look up and out; look at what you can change; look at what you haven't been 'doing right' and 'do something healthy' to 'feel better'. And recently, all of those lovely-on-paper rationales have run out. And my muck has encompassed me...I fought it until I was so exhausted that I couldn't.

And thank goodness for that...I say that with cautious optimism. Because somewhere in me, I'm feeling like  'This is happening for a reason. This is happening to wake you up and for you to finally feel like you..so you can stop fighting yourself and fixing yourself'.

*Deep breath. Big sigh. With a twitch of a lump creeping into my throat*

It's hard to wake up and face the music. Especially when you've been programmed to look external to know your worth and to understand yourself. That concept really gets confusing as you become an adult; you start to feel all misaligned and antsy.

So I'm working on sitting in the muck...and getting to know it a little. Luckily, the muck doesn't feel as exhausting and all encompassing this way because you get used to it  a little; you get to know how it feels and how it smells and what it looks like...and then it feels less scary and unknown like some dark abyss. It's like 'alright, this isn't ideal but it's not as terrible as I thought and I'm not sinking'.

I'm waiting for the time I start to notice when the sun is shining and drying some of the muck...or when it rains and the muck washes away a little...or when I can say, 'ohh the muck is getting a little thicker these days; I notice that; okay, there it is' without feeling panicked and scared.

So here are my words of wisdom about muck...Your muck is any difficult feeling, circumstance, memory, situation, day that you find yourself battling with. Mine has been cumulative stress (a series of tough events happening close together and catching up to me...). Get to know your muck and stop fighting it! It has less power and ability to grow if it's noticed and cared for.

Stay tuned for more on my muck...