On Good Grief ...

Last month marked 5 years since my Aunt died. February 21st, 2009 at 4am we got the call; I still remember my heart pounding and my sense of sheer panic and devastating relief; panic that she was gone forever and relief that she was no longer suffering terribly.

My lovely sister and I have marked the day she died, mostly as a way to shut off from the world on a day where we might feel extra tender and sad. So far, it's turned out to be a day of self-care and connection for us which no doubt is good for our wellness and sad hearts; and is also how our Aunt would want us to spend it.

The lead up tends to be worse than the day...the lead up means memories of how disease made her  look and feel in the end and the endless feelings of heartache at the thought of her being physically gone from our lives...Five whole years have passed and still, I have days where I miss her desperately. Ya know the kinda missing you had when you were homesick as a kid? That feeling of seemingly endless heartsick longing?...That's what my grief feels like at times...And then it lessens at times...and it fades a little for a while...and I don't think of her daily for a while; life carries on and is filled with new memories and goodness....And then I feel sad at that thought, too.

So what's the message here? When people die, it's devastating and confusing and scary and hard and it's a part of life..and it can actually transform us in ways we never imagined if we let it.

So what's the biggest lesson I've learned from grief so far?...

Ya gotta feel feelings in order to move forward and feel healthy again.

Unfortunately and fortunately, our bodies don't let us escape feelings. They simply manifest in some other way when we try to avoid them (think over eating; addiction; anxiety; depression). Yup-hiding from our feelings can lead to these struggles. And surprisingly, heart wrenching sadness/anger/frustration will not swallow us whole like some massive monster of darkness. Nope; they won't. They will hurt like hell, make us cry etc but they won't destroy us. When they pile up, it can feel this way (enter Therapist brain now-if you feel you're avoiding feelings or stress has majorly crept up, seek some professional help. It'll be worth it-I promise).

So why is grief good? Or, ahem, important? Because it forces us to be realllly sad and feel the pain and sorrow of death which none of us can ever escape...it forces us to be brave in the face of the saddest kind of sad...and it helps us to learn to be more tuned into life; to what's great about it and to why we should really value most days and not take our bodies, minds and loved ones for granted.

And then magic starts to happen...where a song or a smell or a picture sweeps us off into amazing memories of our loved ones...and instead of a sharp stomach pain or our hearts thumping too hard or feeling like we can't breathe for a moment at the thought, we actually get filled with warmth and love. And we get a dose of them, right here in the physical world. And we remember and feel them so they live on and become a part of our journey today. And we even get to pass on what they taught us and how they made us feel to others.

Grief is a journey...a tough, confusing, important journey we all have to go on. And if we let it, it can fundamentally change us to being ever grateful for this precious thing called life.

And now an ode to my sweet Aunt who left us too soon (written and read by me at her celebration of life...)

My Aunt.

I wanted to highlight some of my Aunt's most amazing qualities for us to remember her by. Also, for the people who only knew my Aunt when she was sick, I thought it would be special to share some of my most fond memories of her.

Was Loving and Maternal...I was always told the story of my Aunt being at the hospital the day I was born, to support my Mom and Dad. I believe she and my Dad shared a small bottle of champagne in the waiting room to celebrate my arrival. She was so maternal and connected to me that from a very young age, I called her mom. As I got older, she was lovingly called my Second Mom.

Was Generous....My Aunt was always very generous with people she loved. Throughout the years, she took my mom, sister and I on many great vacations. Not only that, after she had moved to the States, when she would fly in for Christmas, we would refer to her as Santa because she would always bring us delicious food and beautiful gifts. Not to mention the many girly shopping trips she took us on throughout the years.

Was Supportive...My Aunt supported many people in her life time. In different ways, she has supported and touched each person in our family, and especially my sister and I.

Was Caring...From the tender age of six, I knew my Aunt's phone number by memory. She was always the first person I would call if I ever felt stressed, sad or scared as a child. She always had a way of making me feel safe and okay.

Was Silly...When I was eleven years old, my Aunt flew in from the States for Christmas, and for the entire holiday she pretended to be a reindeer, sent specifically to us from the North Pole. It was a difficult time for my mom, sister and I but she kept us laughing the whole time with her silliness.

Was Fun...My Aunt was a fun person. She was always up for a dance party....a memorable one was at my Uncle Michael's one Christmas. We all danced to Red, Red Wine and had a blast.

Was Beautiful...She had a completely contagious smile. You could not help by smile when she was.

Had funny nick names for my sister and I...From the time I was born, my Aunt nick named me 'Bookins' (AKA Boo) and called my sister 'Jenn-Bum'. Both names quickly caught on in my family.

Had a Lovely Singing Voice...I remember my Aunt often singing lullaby's to my sister and I before bed when we were little. The one my sister and I remember most was when she sang 'Tears go by" by the Rolling Stones.

Was Vibrant...One of my favourite memories with my Aunt was on a trip she had taken us on to New Hampshire. My sister, Aunt, and step-cousin and I got up and sand 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' at a community karaoke event. My Aunt was so vibrant, singing her heart out.

Had a Great Sense of Humour...There was a lot time in my Aunt's life that she was into fitness and health. One summer I spent with her she had shrunk considerably from working out; at a young age, I tenderly nick named her 'Anutty No-Bum". I called her this for many years and every time I did, she'd laugh with me.

Was a Great Cook...Although you would never eat before nine when my Aunt cooked, she was good at what she did! She was known for her cheesecake and Cajun rubbed Tilapia.

Was Thoughtful...When my Aunt moved away to the States, my mom, sister and I missed her terribly. She kept in very close contact with us, visited often and even wrote me letters with pictures reminding us we were thought of and loved.

Was Significant...My Aunt gave me one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask for; when I was little, she allowed me to be a child whenever I was with her...I could be silly, vulnerable and carefree around her, and that was so significant for me. Some of my happiest childhood memories were with her and because of her.

Was Loved so Much...She will be deeply missed. She has greatly contributed to my life, and many lives, and I will always be thankful for the wonderful memories she has left us with. And for what parts of her I will carry with me throughout my life.